jokes

[peekaboo]

My Arkie sister is gonna kill me. I'm sending this to her next.

GET THIS OUT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO USES QUARTERS!!!!


Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.


The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists.

Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

[alexandgruntz]

LOL.

[peekaboo]

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

.........................................................................................................

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

------------------ ---------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------- - ----------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P M - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 P M there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10A M . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7P M . Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 P M . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
____________________

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P M at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
______________________

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

TTThat's all folks!
Now you tell a funny.

[GooRoo]

I don't have any jokez to relate, but appreciate the "Church Bulletins" set ... I have seen similar ambiguitiez in our own church bulletin ... and know that they really happen!

[peekaboo]

Know any good attorneys???These are unbelievable!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

(Notice from peekaboo: These aren't my words so don't take the above strictly to heart. )

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was having ***!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you awake? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

[Gaby]

... ...

[peekaboo]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet
manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter
__________________

[Gaby]

...

[alexandgruntz]

LOL. Walter didn't even talk about the second part.

[peekaboo]

You guys have got to see this. It is the "Coolest Video Ever"

It took my computer forever to load (lots of starts and stops) but then you can click replay and it plays the whole thing again perfectly. Ane of course my phone lines are from Noah's day so I'm real real slow.

Anyway this is worth the time to see. Here's the link:

www.mychurch.org:80/blog/30635/coolest-video-ever

Let me know what you think.

[frikzoogoo]

Couldn't help but laugh here's a joke in response to the church bulletin one... LOL... by the way... was it a real bulletin???

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: 8 Jan 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

[GooRoo]

There aren't many jokez that give me a good belly laugh, but that is certainly one of them! The real "punch line" was the "P.S."!

[Gaby]

you are so right it was hilarious...

[peekaboo]

This certainly brings back memories... er, uh, I meant for you old foggies. I was definitely too young. Groan...
Takes awhile to download but get a drink then sit back and remininse, remininse... remember.
Turn up the sound.

thefiftiesandsixties.com/CarsWeDrove.htm

[GooRoo]

peekaboo said:

This certainly brings back memories... er, uh, I meant for you old fogies. I was definitely too young. Groan...
Takes awhile to download but get a drink then sit back and reminisce, reminisce... remember.
Turn up the sound.

thefiftiesandsixties.com/CarsWeDrove.htm

Thankfully, I have DSL, so everything came to me real-time from the very beginning ... and yes, it did bring back memories! I also have every single one of the records used in the compilation!!! I was born in Chicago, IL and almost bought a custom 1932 Ford coupe show car named "Brandy's Chariot" ... for $2,500. But my father was adamant that I was not going to throw away my money on something like that, and wound up spending $600 for a 1956 (plain Jane) Plymouth Belvedere 4-door sedan instead.

I really loved the way it started out with "Stick Shift" by The Duals, and blended in songs to match the cars being displayed (my buddy had a 1962 Chevy 409/409 ... and I got to it). I also drove a chopped, channeled Model A sedan that was converted to what would be called "a funny car" at the Oswego, IN drag strip. I believe the owner called it "The Widow Maker" ... and I quickly found out why ... the nose of the 'car' was pointing to the sky when I popped the clutch ... and I nearly messed the seat. (I lost the race because of that bad start ... at 127MPH top end. That was in 1959.)

[peekaboo]

LOL. I feel for you about that race. My bro said he'd give me aride in his new car he'd bought when he'd just got of the army. Daddy gave him this real mean look. I mean everybody had a ride and just came back raving about this hot car CW had so I was hyped and ready for my turn. They were talking about not catching their breath and how fast that baby ran.
That was the dullest most boring ride in my life. So... I decidied ..oops.. I told ya already that something is not quit right with my brain si I'll mispell plenty of words. And I'm tired of backing up and retyping.

Anyway, I decided that when I grew up, I'd havw a hot car. Danny bought me this , i think it was a 1951, plymouth sports fury that walked and talked. Had a 383 engine in that little sucker. And I raced anybody and everybody that was stock. so we move to wyoming, wide open spaces, itty bitty roads, and nothing for me to do in this podunk town. think the population was 208 or somwheres about. We hit a lot of towns like that when dan was a lineman. I decide I'm going to ride over to the next town about ninty miles away. WE were close to the freeway so I stomped the petal took the on ramp and got on the freeway doing about ninty. Felt like maybe two seconds and it was time to take the off ramp to go to this town BUT... I didn't realize the exit was there till the last spilt seconcond and I whipped over there. OMGosh the ramp wasn't straight, IT Curved..
It curver then stopped at a stop sign and you took a left or right.Do not ask how I made it cuz all I'll say is the lord didnt want me to die thar day.
I do know that I was only on two wheels and saying prayers. I only saw the stop sign as a glimmer as we flew past. Well we straightened up and I slowed down. way down. way way down.

Then it got incredibly boring again I'd gone fifty miles and not seen one car on this ittty barely two lane road.So I kicked it up to eighty, in a min, ninty, ten min later I'm doing 110. I had just looked down at the guage. Not a car, not asign, nothing in sight but more flat road. So I was toodling right along.
(I hear music from The Evil Dead here)

I I hit a railroad crossing that had sunk two-three feet into the road. Never even seen it coming. I danced with stars, and as I flew in the sky, I had time to think that Mom was sure gonna be mad at me. I knew I was dead. I knew it. It musta been sixty or more feet before we came down like a ton of bricks. I pulled over and just sat there for an hour shaking.

Whew! My heart is still in wyoming somewhere.